Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*ernest hemingway voice*
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?