Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Wednesday
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons