@Sassafrantz

Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.

You Might Also Like

@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

@Sickayduh

[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza

@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@ArfMeasures

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

@sonictyrant

Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling

@Book_Krazy

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@CatsVsHumanity

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.