@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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@Fred_Delicious: *cop bursts into bathroom* "KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!" *toilet is wearing shades* "damn. we're too late" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*
@krisv_723: Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen. Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
@squirrel74wkgn: Magician: Abracadabra! [cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears] Husband (stands up): YES! ...I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*