I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself
Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer
guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.