@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
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@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@alliewach: when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
@Reverend_Scott: Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.
@AlwaysAButt: doctor: you're gonna need to take probiotics me: oh i don't think i can afford that doctor: don't worry, there are lower cost options me: ah, yes. amateur biotics