Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.