Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages