Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!