Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
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[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Hit me in the face with a bird
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
How do you milk an almond?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window