Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
You Might Also Like
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Sure. Why not?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?