ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?