ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.