ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines