Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
New menu item
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
very niche meme I made
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*