Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Stop it! 😂
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason