Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.