Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”