Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Lol.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”