Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
WHO DID THIS?
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’d love this…lol
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”