Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Netflix and awkward silence?

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.