[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down