Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Finally!

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Bear knowledge