*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.