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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”