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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
A male goth is called a broth.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP