giddy up Office Depot
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.