giddy up Office Depot
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?