giddy up Office Depot
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Covid like
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.