Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.