Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Just why bro?!
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.