Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*