Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.