gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Eggs benadryl my favourite