gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I support this random dude and all his protests
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My dad.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare