Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid