Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Morning my dudes.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
so much to do
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.