Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

This checks out

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.