Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise