Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
This is I, Robot all over again
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
money maker
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.