Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

My wife has the worst taste in men.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Finally! 😈

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake