Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.