Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club