Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
😭😭😭
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.