Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I think about this a lot
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.