Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

About to form my very first opinion

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?