gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
🙂🙃🥹
