Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’