gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU