gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.