Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.