gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.