gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.