gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL