gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please