gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Cha-ching is my safe word
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”