Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

A great first step 😂

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Um … Hot Wings please

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.