Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.