Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.