Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

The photographer’s assistant

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses