Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

My Plans 2020

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*