gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Respect
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.