Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.