Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

🐴

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.