Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

I’m pretty like a car crash.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.