Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean