Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

greetings!

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?