Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?